INSECURITY…….Is Killing My Relationships!!

INSECURITY…….Is Killing My Relationships!! By Priyanka Chahande

"Did you mean to say I am cheating on you? I am breaking your trust?” I asked

“Yes you are!! Then what was the reason behind that? What you were doing with that guy, yesterday evening?” He asked me

(Rather than asking, I should say he was shouting at me…without listening to me)

“Yes I was with him. He came to meet me because he wanted to discuss about his lost job, as he was so depressed…(in between he stopped me..and started shouting..)

“Why he wanted to discuss his job problems with you? Why?” he shouted

“Will you please stop shouting..please calm down. Today I came here to share with this with you only…(again in between he stopped me..)

“Why today? Why didn’t you told me yesterday night, when we were talking? What are you hiding from me? He asked me

“Yesterday night you were so happy, when you were talking about your new project. I didn’t want to spoil it. And for this only, to tell you..to share with you..I called you to meet me urgently” I tried to explain and to make him calm down.

“If you are so concern about my happiness then, why you went to meet him? He asked

“He called me day before yesterday and over the phone he was sounding so sad and dejected and then I told him to meet me..and tell me what’s the matter” I said

“Oh! You called him to meet!! Why? Why suddenly he became so important to you?” He asked

“You know sweetheart, he is my friend from school time and as a friend he is important…and” (he stopped me)

“If he is your friend and so important to you then, who am I? What am I doing here? Tell me” he asked

“Why are you talking like this? You too are important to me..you are eternal part of my life…my love…for me both relations are different..please listen to me…you are more important to me”

(I had tears in my eyes while saying this, I just felt, he will leave me….! Why it become so difficult to prove your love to “your love”)

“Yes, I am listening…say” he said

“No, you are not listening to me….you are not listening what my heart, my emotions, my each drop of tears are saying to you. Your temper had just closed ears of your heart…that heart, which is always ready to listen to me” I said

“Yes, I am angry with you. You called him to meet and you are telling me this after all this has happened…now why you need to tell me?” again he started shouting

“Sweetheart at that moment, whatever came to my mind I did. But there was no such thought of hiding anything from you” I told him

“Ok, but still my question to you is the same…why you met him? Why??” He shouted

“I told you the whole truth..why you are not believing me sweetheart? What is bothering you?” I asked him

“He is bothering me…your friend…I don’t like when he is around you, I don’t like when you care for him, I don’t like when you share your love with anyone..all these are bothering me. And now if you are so concern about him, you are free to leave me and if I am so important to you then, you leave him. Now you have to decide, whom you will choose…your love or your friendship”

He said and left me alone in the CCD to think, to take decision, to choose between love and friendship. I never tried to mix them. I was sitting there..with tears in my eyes, pain in my heart..i totally became numb.

I felt like my heart is going to break in parts. There is fight in between, who will have this heart love or friendship. For me, both I need..both my heart wants…my brain was not ready to answer anything…now alone my heart was there in between the fight of love and friendship.

I thought what came in between these two…my love and my friendship? Because of whom I am on this path where I need to choose between one? What it is? And that time my brain replied “it is Insecurity..which is killing both relations”

Yes it was insecurity…which came in between. Sometimes it is good…because of it you feel protected by someone, cared by someone but yes this insecurity sometimes turns into evil also..which will create fights..which will makes you apart from each other..which will leave you on a path buddle full of questions with no clue for a single answer…which will finally start killing your relations.

Journey from US to I….The Lonely World..

Journey from US to I….The Lonely World...By Priyanka Chahande

“People change, their priorities changes,

Wounds given by them take more time to heal,

Than the natural process of healing

You left me…the other half part of US....alone”

We both were seeing each other for one and half year, year of togetherness, blissful moments, sharing, days of sorrows, blossoms in spring, warmness in winter, season of summer, rains full of love. But then little by little it started to end. 

“For me it’s getting complicated to handle our relation with studies, you know this is our final year of graduation and exams are in a month. I have to concentrate on my studies. I have my carrier ahead. I am not in a position to balance both, I have to choose one.” he said.

“So does this means you want to break up” I asked softly with little fear and hesitation. 

(Lost in thoughts..thinking it is a dream , when I’ll open my eyes I’ll be wrapped around by his arms and will be listening to the music of his heart beats.)

 You left me and I was without you like flowers without its fragrance, life without soul. All I was feeling like…rains without its wetness, no dawn after dark nights, gloomy smiles, heart without its beats, stories without any emotions, birds chirping also started annoying. My world started coming to an end. I got mislaid in the puzzles of my life. Nothing seems appealing to me…because you were not there. 

You got busy with your studies but I still search you in between the pages of notes which we together got xeroxed, in college corridors in our classroom, my eyes look for your eyes which never stop staring at me, my ears are waiting to hear your voice when you used to shout my name on the terrace of your building. I still feel the absence of you when I walk alone on the same path, day & nights calling, messaging, that evening coffee without you tastes bitter..to me now. I found something is missing now…it’s you…the other half part of US.

I still remember the day, it was my birthday and how beautifully you had planned it with full of surprises…still fresh in my memories of US.

(Night prior to my birthday…at night around 11.45pm) 1^st October 2010

As usual we were talking to each other on phones about us, about boring lectures, about college festivals, about our other classmates and all. Then suddenly he said:

“I am missing you and I want to meet you”

“Right now? Are you gone mad? It’s too late. Anyways after 8 hours we are going to see each other” I said

“I want to see you..want to hug u and to give a goodnight kiss” he said

“it’s impossible. We will be meeting in the morning. Baby understand” I said

Then he said “I am coming at your place...meet me”

“No please, don’t come. It’s too late and if anybody saw you then what? You better stay at your place” I requested

In this whole argument 15minutes got over and clock struck 12.00 am. Over the phone some music started playing and he was singing the birthday song for me. On the other side of the phone I was continuously smiling and blushing. After he finished singing, I thanked him and he said come out in your balcony. I came in my balcony and saw him; there he was with balloons, cake near someone’s car. Then he lighted the candle and placed on the cake. He asked me to blow the candle & from my behalf he did. Once again he wished me and left the bunch of colorful balloons in the sky. And I was there on the 8th floor of my building looking at him..smiling, I had tears in my eyes…I said thanks to him. He was there for another 10minutes standing opposite to my building, we kept on looking at each other…he said goodnight waved a flying kiss and left. I was so happy that night.

In the morning another surprise was there for me. As I entered the college gate, from there to my class 5 people came and gave me one rose with a puzzle to reach and collect my small gifts. Then we went for movie and the evening he took me a restaurant, where another surprise was waiting for me. As we entered, one table was decorated with red roses for us in the middle of that restaurant and no lights were there..the whole place was enlighten by candles.

We sat there, then waiter came with a cake and the people in the restaurant with him started singing the birthday song for me. With him I cut the cake, everyone came and wished me and that’s how my day ended. I thanked him for everything, for making my birthday full of surprises; I had a memorable moment with him.

2months after broke up: 1^st October 2011

Today is same day after 1 year..my birthday but you are not with me. Whole night I was waiting for your call, your message. Whole night I was in my balcony thinking that you might come again with a surprise and I’ll have you back but you didn’t come. Early morning when I left for the college I thought of meeting you. But again in the whole campus my eyes were searching you and I found you nowhere. I received your message saying

“Wish you a very Happy Birthday..enjoy your beautiful day”

I was re reading that message and was expecting a call from you. I tried calling you but you kept your phone switched off. I tried everything, I asked your friends about you but nothing I came to know. Now my heart was aching, it was hurting me a lot..the love we had deep inside us also couldn’t save me..I was in pain, my heart too. I found myself all alone without you on Earth. I walked back to my place in a completely lost way and cried to myself at night..looking at each roses I got on my previous birthday. Each petal of those rose got dry, color got faint, no fragrance was there..you left me like those rose only. You was the only thing I thought about, dreamt about and talked about. I found my other half part when I met you. And now when you left me alone…I feel like something has been torn from Us.. I am no longer whole. I am incomplete without you.

That day I prayed to God give him all the happiness, successful carrier and a bright future ahead and please take my life…I can’t live alone.

All You Were Carrying was….a Fake Heart with Fake Identity!!

All You Were Carrying was….a Fake Heart with Fake Identity!! By Priyanka Chahande

What Identity you should carry, when you knock at the doors of a Girl’s heart??

KNOCK KNOCK..!!

Who are you? What do you want from me?,  the Questions a Girl’s heart was asking before allowing him to enter....

Standing at the entrance, there you were with your charming face, carrying lots of affection with beautiful smile you said: “I am a Boy’s heart. I am here in a search of heart- full of love, affection and care.”

Girl’s heart smiled and said: “why you are in search of another heart?”

Boy’s heart replied: “I am all alone and need lots of love and care. Will you help me to find out a match for me?”

Girl’s heart said: “that’s too difficult to find. You will find hearts with scratches, scars, broken and some fake one.”

Boy’s heart replied: “there nobody who is perfect, we make it perfect by accepting/correcting their faults/mistakes.”

Girl’s heart smiled and said: “Yes, I will help you.”

So with Boy’s heart, Girl’s heart started the journey in search of “that special caring heart”. 

Throughout the journey Boy’s heart faced many rejections, disappointment, all he was feeling like a loser. During this failure face, Girl’s heart was always there to care, to console, to motivate.

In this due course Girl’s heart got closer to Boy’s heart. He started realizing the love, care and affection which he was looking for, it was here in front of him only.

One day Boy’s heart said: “hey this journey has come to an end. My search for a heart is over. I got my match.”

Girl’s heart with a confused look was starting at him with a Question “who is that?”

Boy’s heart with his attractive smile said: “the heart which I am looking for, for whom I have traveled all around was in front of me. Yes, it’s you, your care and affection was all I wanted. Will you be my partner?”

Girl’s heart with tears of bliss in her eyes was standing in front of him with uttering not a single word. Immediately Boy’s heart hugged Girl’s heart and she whispered “yes” in his ears.

Both hearts were happy to find each other. They started spending more time with each other. Girl’s heart genuinely put across her true identity but whenever the Question of identity was asked to Boy’s heart by her, he never spoke, always used to avoid it. With this many other such beautiful moments they spend in a short span of time.

But one fine morning Girl’s heart found that Boy’s heart was not there. She started searching, she went to all those places where they used to meet, had an excellent time but Boy’s heart was nowhere. Girl’s heart was all shedding tears, tears and tears because she wasn’t able to find him anywhere.

Days passes…there was no news about Boy’s heart, where he has gone without telling her….leave behind her to shed tears.

Girl’s heart was asking many questions…who was he? What was his real identity? Whether he was real or fake? Whether his heart was real/fake or his identity? Does he was wearing the mask of charm, affection and care? Why he did this to me? Suddenly where he got disappeared?

All Questioned remained Unanswered…
Girl’s heart thought: “All you were carrying a fake heart with fake identity”
Now another knock at the door..scares me. I avoid replying back…who knows some other heart with a mask of falseness will give scars on my heart and just disappeared.

NIGHT CALL..

NIGHT CALL..

Can our love stories could as similar as Yash Raj’s romantic movies or fiction stories by our Indian authors like Durjoy Dutta, Ravindra Singh and many others? But I am sure there’s possibility that we must have thought once “can our love stories will be like this”? After falling in the deep sea of love you yourself start learning how to swim and crossing each level of it. It also leads us to day dreaming and we start smiling stupidly without much concerning where we are, just lost in our own world of thoughts.

Yash Raj’s movies in reality are somewhat impossible but some parts of fiction stories drive you to your memory land. It could be way of proposing or confessing your love, saying sorry, making your Valentine’s Day special or each single day when they meet.

I (P) started reading fiction stories in last year of my college and was in love with each story. It was the time when day and night was spending in reading these books instead of college syllabus. Each page of the book used to creates curiosity of what will be next and kept me reading continuously. Some parts of my stories are similar to these fiction books.

12.30AM to 1.30AM was the time for night calls..when everyone was sleeping and I used to be under my blanket having arguments over the phone. It was 12.15AM I was reading “Of course I love you” by Durjoy Dutta, my phone light started blinking and it showed R calling…

I disconnected the call and message him..

P: Still 15 mins r der..call at 12.30..

R: M feeling sleepy..dats y I called..pick up or else…Gudnight!!

(I thought he always has to give orders only and I have to follow them. But then only choice left is to follow his order and I didn’t wanted to sleep without talking to him. )

P: Ohk..den call..I don’t hav balance..

R: Me too..

P: Bt today is ur turn to call..

(No balance in the phone was every time issue for us and calling to each other was turn wise, so that night it saved me. I got up quickly from my bed, closed the book, turned off the light and was under the blanket.)

R calling…

(Smiling…alone at night & received his call)

P: Hello..hi..what you doing?

R: Hi…right now I am on a date?

P: So am I disturbing you?

R: Yes..!!

(He will never answer correctly for my formal questions. Still I ask because I know he expects those questions & I like the way he answers.)

P: Fine I don’t mind if you are on a date but this time is my so you better don’t share it with somebody else.

R: Oh really?

P: Yes!

(..and we both started laughing)

R: what you were doing?

P: As usual reading love story.

R: Boring..by the way what is the name of the book?

P: Of course I love you..till I find someone better.

R: Interesting name.

P: Interesting story.

R: I don’t want to listen.

P: I know..you are not interested.

R: Always nonsense things you kept on reading.

P: Excuse me..Its not nonsense..its love story. You Engineers will never know, because you don’t have brains only!

R: You Commerce people don’t have that’s why reading this nonsense stuff.

P: Hello..you Engineers don’t have brain..wastage of 4 years.

R: 4 years of full fun & adventure.

P: I know what fun & adventure you people have inside and outside world of Engineering.

R: You feeling sad, because you people don’t have fun & adventure in 3 years? Total wastage na?

P: We people do study and have fun also. And if you think it’s a wastage still we saved at least 1 year of our life.

R: Oh really? Remember “3 Idiots” & in that what professor has said “aasaan aur saral bhasha me chahiye too Atrs & Commerce College join karo”

P: Yaa…life is easy & simple only, people like you only make it difficult & call it a new invention or some stupid theory. And in “3 Idiots” how come Engineers become Doctors?

R: Because we are multi talented.

P: Hmmm..I know..rehne do!!

R: Somebody is feeling jealous.

P: No, am not.

R: Yes, you are.

(I was really getting angry because I was again losing this argument. So I thought I’ll start with our story only and argument will end automatically.)

P: Whatever! By the way the story which I am reading in that also boy is doing Engineering and girl is in Commerce College, so don’t you think our story is similar to that?

R: No, because it’s totally fiction.

P: Still real.

(I knew it he doesn’t have anything to say because the time I open the topic of our love story he just wanted to end it.)

R: I don’t think so. You need to sleep now, it’s too late. Tomorrow we both have college.

(The clock was showing 2.00 AM)

P: I know but first you answer me our story is similar to that know?

R: I don’t know. You sleep and let me sleep.

P: Who is stopping you?

R: You! Now keep the phone.

P: It’s you who called, so you keep the phone first.

R: Ok!! Good Night.

P: Good night but I am waiting for answer.

R: Sweet Dreams.

P: With you?
R: Now sleep..bye!

P: Bye.

(After keeping the phone down I kept on laughing on our conversation and slept nicely with sweet dreams.)

So this is how another night call with argument ended with stupid smile on my face.

Call Disconnected..!

It was another beautiful holiday which I (P) got in the middle of the week because of Janmashtmi. Got up late, enjoying my day without any work load but still something was interrupting me somewhere in the corner of my mind and heart. This time both were on the same path.

And that something was his absences, conversation with him, argument with him, all I was wishing since morning was once he should call, I wanted to hear his voice, his way of teasing. Just one call from him will make my day.

My whole morning and afternoon went in waiting. Evening was making me to call him but I can’t. (After the last argument it was he supposed to call and this was stopping me to call him.) All I was doing was checking my cell phone every 5 minutes. (It was on silent purposely)

Another thought struck me that he will not call and all I did was not to think about him, made myself busy doing some college work. Then what I felt was my cell phone was vibrating and it shows...

R calling…

(That call made my whole day, I was smiling and was very happy but couldn’t picked up the call)

I disconnect the call..& message him.

P: papa ghar pe hai..isliye phn nh utha sakti…wht happn..??

R: I called you to say sorry, last few days I was not good with you. Please forgive me.

( I was shocked..suddenly what happened to R??Anything serious? I wanted to pick his call..as I was waiting whole day for his call that day but couldn’t )

P: Plz don’t say sry dear...its okk…I understand its jst a mood swing…plz sry mat bolo..luv u..tk care.

( the time I say “luv u” he gets angry…don’t know why? )

R: Plx don’t txt me dat again.

P: whch txt??

R: luv wala

P: Pahele promise karo ki tum sry nh bologe..

R: Tu vo txt dobara nh karegi den I’ll promise.

P: ye too emotional blackmailing hui!!

R: Promise me you will never txt that again.

P: Bt I luv u and dats y I say..bcoz at d end I don’t wnt to regret abt it..bt for u I’ll promise..I’ll nvr txt dat…nw happy??

R: Dats ws nt for me it’s for u.

P: Wht’s for me??

R: Evrything is for u.

P: it means..U also..??

(He was supposed to call me and say sorry but the whole conversation turn into again our little fight about expressing my love for him through words, which he never believe and accept. But I like when we fight or argument and started smiling looking at my cell phone.)

R: I’ll nt msg u, tu khush rahe abhi.

P: Areyy agr tum baat nh karoge too me kaise khush rahungi??
    If u don’t rply bck me..I’ll strt cryng..!! (I started blackmailing him, which was of no use still)

(I was waiting for his reply. 5 minutes 10 minutes are over still no message. I gave a small ringon his cell phone to remind him that he needs to reply me back. But he always used to read my mind and makes me to think “Is He still has any feeling for me? And if yes why doesn’t he just accept and say yes to me?” Then my cell beeps and it shows 1New Msg – R..makes me smile again)

R: Nuatanki h tu.

P: Thank uu..:D
    I knw..i m..

So this is how my unexpected day or evening was. My whole day waiting brings a smile on my face. (We were having this conversation after almost two weeks.)

Our endless arguments on small-small things never used to end as we had nothing to talk but argue. And talking to each other after small intervals of weeks or sometimes a month because of some or the other argument we have.